Blessings in Exhaustion

by Heidi Kielian

So this morning, after yet another looooong night, my husband and I were conversing a bit via text about our current “trial”.   In comparison to what so many others face with their children having terminal illness, severe disability, etc. I feel this is so minor and so unworthy of the title “trial”.  However, I have also come to recognize that whatever God places in one’s life that draws out a heart of complete weakness and an utter dependence on Himself can, I think, legitimately be considered a trial.  

Six months ago, the Lord blessed us with our second child…a beautiful son, Everett.  How thrilled we were and how thankful to be holding him in our arms, healthy and perfectly knit together!  We were particularly grateful because at 11 weeks along in the pregnancy, our doctor saw something on ultrasound in utero called an amniotic band.  Amniotic bands can be very dangerous and even fatal for the baby, as they can wrap around limbs or the neck or they can form a compartment in the uterus, restricting the baby’s growth.  We were heartbroken at this news, but continued to pray for protection for this little one day by day.  At almost 17 weeks, at our next ultrasound, we were amazed and speechless when we were told the amniotic band was nowhere to be seen- it was GONE!  We wept tears of joy and gratitude for God’s kindness to us and our little guy.   

And yet, it’s to our shame that we so quickly seemed to forget about this miracle after his birth.  He was extremely fussy almost from the start and I kept thinking he was just a normal newborn adjusting to life outside the womb.  My wise husband Sean kept saying he was so much more fussy than his sister Aisley had been.  It wasn’t until one day when he screamed for about 2 hours straight, inconsolable and totally uncomfortable, that I called Sean and said “Ok, you’re right.  This is NOT normal newborn behavior.”  He had awful reflux, spit up a TON and just cried (or screamed) a majority of the time and overall, has just not been an easy baby.  We finally seemed to get the reflux under control so he didn’t seem so uncomfortable and things appeared to be at least a little more manageable than they were before.  Just a couple weeks ago his spitting up drastically decreased.  However, his sleep has always been an issue and has ebbed and flowed, no matter what “sleep training” or methods we tried with him.  I won’t detail every sleep pattern or specific struggle but just to give an idea, we have had MAYBE five nights of truly restful sleep in the last 6 months (meaning nights of more than 1 or 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time).  He is restless, angry, sometimes inconsolable, crying or screaming multiple times throughout each night for long periods of time.  We are beyond exhausted.  We are out of options and boggled as to what the issue is.  Some nights I just hang my head over the crib, some nights there are tears…but every morning there are new mercies.  

So, what IS God teaching us through this?  There’s got to be more purpose to this than just figuring out how to grit our teeth through each night and somehow manage to “get through this”.  Sean’s answer to this question was patience.  We both have definitely been stretched in our patience.  But one thing I’ve been dwelling on lately is the fact that this sweet little guy (yes, amidst his screaming and fussing, he is a SWEET precious bundle!) was “hand-picked” and knitted together by our Father to give to US- Sean and Heidi.  So I KNOW it is with great purpose, from His sovereign hand.  My prayer has become, “Lord, what are you doing in Sean and I through this challenging season and struggling infant?”  That little guy is a Divine TOOL that He placed in our lives to show us so many things.  For me, I’m learning unconditional love in a whole new way….the kind of persevering, fierce love that keeps me getting out of bed 5, 6…7 times a night to try to comfort, soothe, and train little Everett when every night and many naptimes are the same thing over and over and over.  God has shown me HE has that kind of love for ME….except infinite times more perfect and unconditional!  Have I not tried His patience SO much more than a 6 month old baby has tried mine?  And yet God loves me and pursues my heart and continues to be faithful with me.  I’m also seeing how I need to rely on Him for strength, new mercies, joy….all in a unique way than I’ve had to ever before.  Through past trials I’ve needed all these things and He has supplied them abundantly….but those were past graces and past mercies.  I need all new ones for this exhausting season…and He brings them new to me every day.  How much more I am aware of my need of HIS strength and wisdom and patience!

My last thought- and probably the most impacting for me- is this:  sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) in my moments of exhaustion and discouragement, all I want to do is act on my flesh and obey its first inclination.  I want to be frustrated, I want to give up, I want somebody else to have to deal with it, I want to SCREAM sometimes.  This last Tuesday night was perhaps one of the worst ones yet.  Everett was up almost every 10 minutes for half an hour and then every time we got him calmed down and asleep and laid him back down he would immediately start screaming all over again.  Over.  And over.  And OVER.  So as I was standing there in the dark, holding him and trying to calm him, trying to calm my own heart and emotions, fighting back tears I was pleading with God to teach me through this, to show me what it is He wants me to learn.  So I just prayed and prayed and prayed…for Everett, for Sean, for myself.  And I realized that as his mother, I want to lift this precious infant soul up to the Lord, for whatever God’s purpose is for HIM.  I prayed that in whatever way even Everett in his tiny state is being   “strengthened” and “tested” through this…that it would work to his good later in life.  That it would be forming in him even now godly, Christ-like qualities to be a powerful man of God.  I realized God has purpose even for tiny little Everett in this!  I don’t assume this arrogantly, but am hopeful for my son….What if he will be a little Spurgeon (his daddy would be so proud!)? Or a Martin Luther? An Abraham Lincoln or a William Wilberforce?  Perhaps his struggles as a 6 month old are molding within him perseverance, strength, courage.  Only the Lord knows these things but I can’t help but believe that God has purpose in even that small soul.  Perhaps God is orchestrating all of this just to bring his mommy to her knees more often.  To realize her helpless state without Christ and her weakness without the strength of God and her lack of guidance and conviction apart from the Holy Spirit.  Either way, whatever God is doing, I know that so far one good thing has come out of this and that is that a mommy has begun praying more fervently for her son.  By all means, as Scripture says, parents are to train up their children in the Lord…but let us all be humble enough for the Lord to teach us through our children.

      Everett has been a challenge for us……but only the Lord can at the same time through His grace help us to see what an incredible BLESSING he is.  Yes, regardless of a child’s weaknesses or the extremely challenging times with them, God’s Word tells us they are a BLESSING, not a burden.  The world tells us otherwise but let us fight for the perspective of truth given to us in Scripture.  They are a GIFT and God’s gifts are never to be taken for granted.  They are not to be idolized, but they are to be cherished and nurtured and always in a state ready to be returned to Him.  We are thankful for Everett and so thankful, God, for how you are using this little boy to sanctify us!

Tears In Heaven & Joys On Earth

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." -Revelation 21:4-

This of course is part of the Apostle John's description of the New Heaven, and the New Earth.  How often have we all thought of it when loved ones have died, or have had it quoted to us when things on this old Earth have been difficult?  It's so comforting to think that those things which cause us pain, which cause us to mourn, which cause us to cry, will be no more!

This verse has not only comforted me, but it has also intrigued me.  Now, I beg of you, don't take what I'm gonig to say here and make a systematic theology out of it, because that's not the point of this post.  Having said that, this verse has always intrigued me because I believe it to be somewhat of a paradox that in the New Heaven, and the New Earth, we will have tears that need to be wiped away!  Why is this?  Perhaps it's because we will remember all the things that drove us to our knees in supplication - sickness, death, the sinfulness of this world etc.  Maybe (and I think this is very likely) it's because we will remember our own sin, and what our great Savior has done for us by redeeming us not only from the curse of death, but our evil natures, and has brought us to the fulfillment of what is so often promised in Scripture.  Or is it possible, that we might have tears in heaven because we miss the joys we were given on Earth? I know what some of you are thinking - blasphemy!  We are so trained in our modern (and in some cases postmodern!) Christianity to think of this world as bad, and heaven as good.  This of course is true in a lot of ways.  Turn on the news and tell me that you don't long for Jesus to come back.  Go through a break-up, and convince me that you don't desire that tear-soaked pillow to be replaced by the bosom of Christ.

There is much evil in this world (and let us not forget part of that is due to the fact that we as sinners, are in this world!) but we would be foolish to forget that God has given us many joys on this Earth as well.  We can't ignore Genesis, can we?  Did not the God who created this world, declare it "good"?  The fall of cousre has destroyed much of it, but this is still our Father's world, is it not?  Has He blessed us with every spiritual blessing in Christ?  Absolutely, but hasn't He also given us so many "earthly" blessings as well?  I believe He has, and despite some of the scoffing I may receive for saying this, I'm actually going to miss some things on this Earth in the here and now.  Who hasn't climbed a 14er here for instance and admired the beauty of God's creation and thought, "I'm sure going to miss this!"  (I know, I know, heaven and the new Earth will be very beautiful as well, but don't miss my point here)

Much of this thought was inspired the other night when Heidi and I were walking around the park near our house with our little darling Aisley.  It was a beautiful night, and we walked towards the park, and heard music getting louder as we approached.  (Apparently there was a sweet 16 Disney themed birthday party taking place)  The music was loud, as I mentioned, but it was fun, and we walked a couple of times around the park, talking and wanting to go to Disney etc.  The last time we were going around, Heidi suggested that we take Aisley to the slide so she could play a little before we left.  Much to my shame, that wasn't something I wanted to do because we were really tired, and it was still warm and I thought we should get back.  I repented of my sin, put on my "happy heart" and we headed over.  Aisley was thrilled.  She would climb the stairs to the top, sit down, and slide down into my arms. 

Then it happened.

Heidi went over to the stroller to get a drink, Aisley climbed the stairs one last time, and she paused at the top, looked around at the other kids playing nearby, then, looking down the end of the slide at me with that smile of hers she very joyfully said, "Hi!".  Moments like that seem so simple, and way too often, I take them for granted, and don't enjoy them the way that I should, but now that moment is etched forever in my mind - that picture of my little girl at the top of the slide before she had the joy of going down.  Afterwards, I teared up, and as we were making our way back to the car, Heidi asked me what was wrong, and it took me a little bit to answer.  Why was I sad?  Why was that beautiful moment with Aisley affecting me this way?  I answered Heidi that I was said, because I knew that there would come a day, where we wouldn't see our little girl at the top of a slide anymore - for any number of reasons.  Something may happen to us, something may happen to her, and unless Jesus comes back first, death will find us all, or it may be as simple as the fact that she will grow up.  Even thinking about it now, I tear up and get emotional.  Sin has ruined the world, but we still have joys in the world.  As I said, one day, I won't see Aisley with that big smile on top of the slide, and it breaks my heart.

In heaven, I'm going to miss that joy on earth, but I'm sure I will remember it.  And when I remember it, I'll need Jesus to wipe away those tears.  For now, I will enjoy those moments and treasure them up, even if it makes me sad to think that one day those moments will be gone.  Enjoy the joys we have been blessed with here and now,  the joys on earth, and look forward to the glorious day when the Great King will wipe away the tears in heaven.

Marriage Equality & The Double Standard

I once read this in the Constitution:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

At least, I thought that’s what I once read in the Constitution, but perhaps I was just imagining that’s what I was taught in elementary school.  Either way, according to the Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender Community (LGBT), or at least some supporters of it, this amendment isn’t really true at all, or at least, if it is, it’s only true for THEM to denounce Christianity, to spread hate towards traditional marriage, or make outrageous demonstrations to try and make their point.  However, we’ve learned that if you are a Christian, and you speak out against homosexual marriage, - or more to the point- ANSWER A QUESTION REGARDING YOUR OPINION OF IT – then apparently you are a hateful, spiteful, homosexual hating bigot.  Interesting.

I would think that stating what your religious beliefs are, and in this case it was a belief resting on Scripture, would be an example of “the free exercise thereof” of said religion.  Not to mention the fact that if you say something, stating a religious belief, and someone comes out and tells you that you can’t say that, that it would be attempting to “abridge the freedom of speech”.

Dan Cathy, the president of Chick-Fil-A, had every RIGHT, not just to his “opinion”, but every RIGHT to answer the question regarding homosexual marriage the way he did.  However, because he exercised that right, not only he, but his company is now the target of hateful, spiteful, and distasteful attacks from supporters of the LGBT community.  Attacks that have nothing to do with the real issue at hand.  Let me say this here, and I will come back to it, but the majority of people spewing hate towards Christianity, the Bible, and the president of Chick-Fil-A don’t really care about the issue of so-called “marriage equality”.  Surprised?  Don’t be, but I’ll get to that.

I think what surprises me the most, is the pure, plain hypocrisy that these supporters demonstrate.  They want equality, but not when it comes to Christians being able to state what they believe (i.e. Dan Cathy & Kirk Cameron) they want the right to express their opinion, to call Christians bigots, to make distasteful (and ultimately ineffective) displays in front of establishments that sell chicken, but don’t you dare ever say what you believe about the Bible and homosexual marriage!

Some of these people claim they are just trying to wipe out homophobia, trying to wipe out discrimination, trying to right the world from bigotry.  But here’s the kicker – Chick-Fil-A doesn’t discriminate against homosexuals.  As far as I know, they aren’t banned from eating there, nor are they prevented from working there.  So where exactly, is this horrible, hateful, discrimination that they are screaming about?  Seems to me it doesn’t exist – at least in this situation.

The problem is this:  When someone like Dan Cathy makes a statement like this:
What the LGBT community hears is this:  “I hate gay people”

Those two things are not the same.  One does not equal the other.  This is something that community must get through their heads.

If they want the right to say they want marriage equality, then it would be logical, even courteous, to allow Christians to say they don’t believe in homosexual marriage.

So let me get back to something I said earlier, which is that I believe most of the LGBT community doesn’t REALLY care about “marriage equality”.  If they did, they would be doing things to actually make a difference, not ranting and raving, spitting and bashing, or kissing each other in front of fast food establishments.  No, what that tells me is they just want to complain, they just want to cause a stir, they just want to make a scene.

There is probably a time coming when Christians will be jailed (or worse) for “hate speech” by saying they think homosexual marriage is wrong.  Are all these supposed defenders of freedom, anti-discrimination, anti-establishment, anti-bigotry people going to come to OUR rescue then?  Are they going to protest in front of the prisons and jailhouses?  Are they going to clamor and yell and scream for OUR rights to state our views on homosexual marriage?  I doubt it very much.

Their main issue is they simply don’t like what God said in His word, and are rebelling against it.  It isn’t about marriage equality, it isn’t about helping victims of violence, it isn’t even about Chick-Fil-A.  It’s about the sin that resides in all of us. 

Having said all that, I want to conclude with three simple statements:

Homosexuality is a sin.
Treating homosexuals poorly simply because they are homosexuals, is a sin.
Stating that you believe that homosexuality is a sin, is not a sin.

If families kick a homosexual out of their house because they are homosexual, I think that’s wrong.  If people beat up someone because they are a homosexual, that is wrong.  But simply stating what the Bible says and then saying, “I agree with what the Bible says regarding marriage”, is NOT wrong. 

I support you, Dan Cathy, for supporting Scripture.  Thank you. 

I think I’ll go have a chicken sandwich.

Kirk Cameron & GLAAD

In an amazing twist, it turns out freedom of speech is only acceptable if you dislike Christianity and it's principles.  (Sarcasm definitely intended)


Kirk Cameron ruffled some feathers over at GLAAD (The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) when he made the following comments regarding homosexuality and gay marriage on CNN's Piers Morgan Tonight (Click here to read the article containing backlash to Kirk Cameron's comments ) :  "I think that it's unnatural."  I think that it's detrimental, and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization.  I believe marriage was defined by God, marriage is almost as old as dirt, and it was defined in the Garden between Adam and Eve.  One man, one woman for life till death do you part.  So I would never attempt to try to redefine marriage.  And I don't think anyone else should either.  So do I support the idea of gay marriage? No, I don't."

These comments were respected and valued of course, by fellow actors and GLAAD. 

Just kidding.  Of course they weren't, as the "tolerant" once again showed how truly "tolerant" they are. 

Herndon Graddick, Senior Director of Progams at GLAAD, came back with this amazing display of rhetoric and logical reasoning ability:  "In this interview, Kirk Cameron sounds even mroe dated than his 1980's TV character.  Cameron is out of step with a growing majority of Americans...with an increasing number of states recognizing marriage equality, Americans are seeing that marriage is about committed couples who want to make a lifelong promise to take care of and be responsible for each other and that gay and lesbian couples need equal security and legal protections.  That's not 'redefining' anything."

THAT, is Graddick's argument?  That Cameron sounds 'dated'?  Please.  This is the same group that wants equality for gay and lesbian couples (supposedly) based on the constitution?  How old is that document anyway?  Trying to be funny and clever is one thing, but Graddick just sounds like some kid pushed him around on the playground.  Cameron is "out of step" with a growing majority of Americans?  Okay, and what's the problem with that?  A growing majority of Americans think it's okay to murder babies.  Guess I'm out of step with them too.  As if what the majority of Americans think really determines morality.  "Out of step"? We aren't talking about hairstyles or clothes or what the latest new fad is here. We are talking about principles that Cameron holds, and believes come from Christianity. But I guess because he is a Christian, his viewpoint isn't as valid as those who want to smatter him with mud. I'm willing to bet that if the "majority of Americans" decided on a whim that it was okay to murder Graddick's wife, or steal his money, that he would be okay with that, since afterall, what's important here is what modern-individualistic-have it your way-Americans think is "in step". Oh, and guess what Graddick?  When you have a definition for something, and you change that definition, then you ARE redefining it.  If in fact these "increasing number of states" thought that gay marriage was inherit in the American way and Constitution all along, they wouldn't have to CHANGE THE LAWS, ... would they?  That's like saying Italians are defined as people from Italy, and then claiming, no, actually, Italians are people from Italy, and people from Poland.  States ARE redefining marriage if they have to change the law to accomodate these "life long promises". 

But the brilliance doesn't end there, as a bunch of former actors with twitter accounts furiously used their thumbs to dismantle Kirk Cameron.  Let's take a look at the wisdom of the stars, shall we?

Alan Thicke: "i'm getting him some new books.  The Old Testament simply can't be expected to explain everything."  - Really Alan?  Kirk never claimed it did.  But, by the way, have you read the NEW Testament?  It has something to say about homosexuality as well.  What is there to explain sir?  That when God formed Adam and Eve, and they became MAN and WIFE, that it didn't really mean Adam and Eve, and that it needs to be explained that it really meant, "well, just any two people under any circumstances that just promise to take care of each other =marriage?" I want to know which of these "new" books will explain "everything".

Martha Plimpton: "The word 'Equality' shows up too much in our founding documents for anyone to pretend it's not the American way."  - Of course Martha, and I'm sure that when our founding father's forged those documents, they had in mind women sleeping with women and men sleeping with men.  Gotcha.  I'm sure that's EXACTLY what they meant. 

Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family 'star'):  "The only unnatural thing about me being gay is that I had a crush on Kirk Cameron until about 24 hours ago." Who is Jesse Tyler Ferguson, and who gave him a twitter account?

But I want to bring you one more quote from Graddick, that gets to what I think the real issue is. 
"Cameron is out of step with a growing majority of Americans, particularly people of faith who believe that their gay and lesbian brothers and sisters should be loved and accepted based on their character and not condemned because of their sexual orientation."

Here is the real issue.  Graddick, (along with those "growing majority of Americans") has no concept of what God has declared in His word.  That shouldn't be surprising.  However, let's set the record straight from a biblical perspective.  It is not BEING homosexual that "condemns" people according to the Bible.  Being homosexual, or lying, or committing adultery, or gossiping or whatever other sin you want to bring up, is a result of ALREADY being condemned due to what happened in the Garden of Eden at the fall.  These things are a natural outflowing of sin that is already present.  As someone once said, we are not sinners because we sin, but rather, we sin because we are sinners.  Listen to what Paul, (inspired by the Holy Spirit) wrote in Romans... "For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth.  For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them.  For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made.  So they are without excuse.  For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.  Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.  Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.  For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions.  For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.  And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done.  They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice.  They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness.  They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. (Romans 1:18-31)

Now, do I hate homosexuals?  Absolutely not.  Do I think they live in sin?  yes I do.  But then again, I think ALL of us live in sin - INCLUDING homosexuals.  That's simply what the Bible says. I think it's a sin.  Kirk Cameron thinks it's a sin.  We both think that because our conscience is held captive to the Word of God. All people are sinners who need the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ.   We have every right to express that view as much as GLAAD or actors want to express their dislike of the morality and Christianity found in Scripture. Again, I don't hate homosexuals, but I've also never been fond of the kind of irrational emotionalism that reared it's ugly head in the backlast against Kirk's comments.

Thanks Kirk, I think you're right on.  It takes a brave person to proclaim their stance when they are "out of step with the majority of Americans".  Then again, truth never has been popular.... perhaps this is why the Lord exhorts us to spend so much time thinking about it.